Run

I am not the type of person who enjoys running for fitness... I wish I was, but every time I try I end up getting sick with a terrible headache and decide that it's not worth it. Then I usually end up chugging some chocolate mike with no regret... A week later trying to run again because maybe this time it will be easier. It never is.

Have you ever had that strong feeling in the pit of your stomach to run?

Maybe you like to run to get in shape (more power to you) or, like me, you simply try to be a runner and find it to be an impossible feat. Maybe it was because something scary was going on; maybe you had no reason for fear to rear its ugly head but suddenly all you wanted to do was to make a break for it.

Sometimes I catch myself sitting in the most normal situations and I feel that urge. Like sitting in Starbucks or having a perfectly ordinary conversation and I get that feeling. I never understood it until I took a deeper look at each situation that I was in, and I found two common links to that desire and my surroundings. I get that feeling when I am afraid or overwhelmed.

As someone who has dealt with anxiety disorders in the past it blew my mind that I never made this connection. In the moments before a panic attack that was the feeling I had - I wanted to run, to escape, to be free of whatever was weighing on me or worrying me.

The thought struck me when I was listening to the song Sinnerman by Nina Simon... where was I going to run? Where was I planning to go? Like when I was a kid and ran away... I made it as far as the alleyway two blocks away before I got frightened and realized that as much as I hated my home, it was my shelter and food. 

I feel like we do the same thing with sin in a twisted way. We recognize that it's unsafe, or unhealthy, or just stupid... yet when we get a decent distance from it we remember what was "in it for us", and we don't want to sacrifice our pleasure. Then we go back with our head bowed low, back to our habitual sin, and realize the very same things again... and run down the block. Repeat.

But what if we had somewhere to run? When our own sin overwhelmed us, or when we were just plain frightened about something.... what if we had the set plan to run to the Lord? I know it sounds so blatantly elementary, but I also know that this is not my regular practice, and maybe you can relate. In the face of fear or being entirely overwhelmed, I just get up and take off. No compass can help to direct me because I don't know where I am running, and no map can help me get to where I need to be because I wind up in the strangest of places. I just want distance, not caring about direction. However, upon my bible reading I found a way to have both:

The name of the LORD is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe (Proverbs 18:10)

Clearly I need to redirect my feet towards the Lord. Not only does this verse say that I have somewhere to run, but that when I get there I'll be safe. That's so much better than the odd places and alleyways I end up in. They offer me a temporary escape, a place to be away from the situation... they cannot offer me safety. The Lord offers me distance and direction from the situations that make me want to run, and I can trust that He will keep me moving past the alleyways. Upon making this a habit it will become my natural response - it will get easier over time. Just like running, but it's up to me (and you) to choose what habits are a part of our lives.

As Alice says in Alice in Wonderland , and I relate with oh so well, "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Cheers to your journey, and I hope next time you need some distance you get some direction as well!

~Amanda Rose